After we lost Auden, life moved on, whether we were ready for it to or not. I can't tell you how many days were filled with incredible pain - physical, emotional, and mental. Every single day felt like a fight. A war, that often times, I was losing. I felt suffocated. The bustle of summer kept us moving, but my heart ached with each day that I was further removed from my pregnancy. Moving on felt like betrayal. Enjoying life felt cruel. I wasn't ready to move on. I wasn't ready to put it behind us. But time marched on.
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| {One Month} |
And yet, there was endless grace in our life.
The kids seemed to rise to the occasion on days when getting out of bed was a battle for me. They showered me with love and tenderness so generously. There was so much instability in their lives this summer, and yet they rallied. I've seen their hearts and it gave me the courage to take the next step, to fight the inner battle, to do the hard things. They've been a testimony to me every day.
This was our first night out as a family after my surgery. I remember feeling like our "normal" was shattered. A dinner out suddenly felt partial. There was something missing. Someone was missing. I couldn't believe how fast that feeling set in. The hole in our family was blinding. We were incomplete.
The kids have asked so many questions, and so have I, if I'm being honest. Myla talks about Auden the most. My breath catches every time she says the name. Our hearts are softened every time we see a blueberry, think about January, or drive past the tree in the driveway. We have reminders. Auden had such a tender spot in each of our hearts and it's been hard realizing how much we're going to miss out on by not having him/her in our lives.
People continued to show up for us this summer. It seemed like so many hard days were met with a random text or a new package in the mail. Just the nudge we needed in each moment. A nudge to cherish what we had, what we still have, and what we will have again someday. We still have hard days, moments that trigger flashbacks, questions that still aren't answered, but some days the fog is lifted. I see glimpses of pure joy, moments that bring me hope again.
This summer was the hardest one I've ever experienced. I lived in a daze for weeks after our loss. Before I could even catch a breath, I realized I had poison ivy... in my armpits. Yeah, ok, here's what happened. Turns out James had poison ivy, but didn't realize it. I had assumed the spot on my ankle was a bug bite and had shaved, not thinking anything of it... Until my armpits started to burn with fire. Turns out razors will spread poison ivy real easy. I tried everything to combat it, but it kept spreading and flaring up. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't wear half of my clothes, I obviously couldn't shave (it wasn't a good look for me), I was miserable. It was the dead of summer. I was hot, sticky, sweaty, and so incredibly itchy. I fought the poison ivy for over a week before I finally went in for some help. I got the ointment and started using it as much as they would let me.
It took several more days before the poison ivy finally went down and stopped spreading, just in time for my body to break out into hives. You guys. I can't make this stuff up. Now my armpits were the only things that weren't itching. My arms got it first, but it quickly spread to my legs, chest and up my neck. I swelled up like a balloon. The poison ivy was so miserably annoying, but the hives were incredibly painful. I went in right away to try and get my life figured out. The doctor said it could have been related to the poison ivy - my body continuing to react to the flare up, even though the poison ivy was gone. Or it could be due to stress. I told her either option was very believable. I hadn't slept well in over a month. Between the surgery, poison ivy and then the hives, I was so restless at night. She offered me a steroid, but because of everything that I had gone through, I wasn't in a good time window to take it. I would have to ride this one out. It was the middle of July. Heat, sweat, standing, sitting, moving, touching, life in general... It all made me wince. The only relief I seemed to find was soaking in the tub. It helped the swelling go down and it took away the itch. I spent a lot of time in that tub. 3-4 times a day, usually. It was rough. All around.
After my hives finally subsided, I felt like I woke up one day and was like, "What in the heck just happened?" Seven weeks of my summer had been hijacked by my health. It took so much out of me mentally and physically, that even when I started feeling better, I was utterly exhausted. My heart felt like it had been unable to truly grieve what we had gone through because my body was demanding every ounce of my attention. When I say I felt like I lived this summer in a fog, I meant it.
There really were some really incredible moments this summer, though. And I'd say it's about time we get to those.
VBS
VBS week was such a blur. It happened the same week as my ER visit and surgery. The kids actually had an incredible week and it was honestly a really good distraction for them.
It was Myla's first year in a big-kid class and she LOVED going every day.
I was so bummed to have missed out on so many days because of the circumstances, but VBS went on without me just fine!
Here's to hoping next year goes a little smoother.
Lake
We were able to have several lake days this summer. These were the moments that gave Trevin reason to believe that our summer did, in fact, exist.
We also have some pretty awesome friends that include us on super amazing nights like this one.
Trevin has found a new love for tubing and was on the water any chance he'd get. Even Myla was up for the fun.
Probably one of the best nights we had all summer.
Kitties
Last year's kittens didn't last, so we decided to try again.
Smudge and Birk joined the farm in May. Birk is the only one that still remains. There's been trauma of all kinds under our roof this summer. Ay caramba.
But we do love this kitty and we're crossing our fingers he holds on.
Fourth of July
Fourth of July was filled with family, friends, and food.
It's amazing how fun and easy holidays and big events have gotten as the kids get older. They take off and play the day away without so much as stopping to say hi to mom and dad. We know it's been a good day of memories when everyone needs a shower when we get home.
Happy birthday, America. You get a little cooler and a little weirder each year.
Anniversary
8 years. 8 whopping married years. I don't know what to say about this guy, other than that he has made marriage the best thing. I love being 8 years in, because we've figured out how this works best. Get up each day, give what you've got, and give grace where it lacks. I cannot fathom what my life would be without him. He's my favorite person in every room and the kindest soul I'll ever know. 14-year-old Megan knew exactly what she was doing when she fell in love with this guy, and I'll never ever be able to thank her enough.
County Fair
One of our favorite summer activities is the county fair! It's the perfect combination for everyone - farm displays for James, carnival games for Trev, rides for Myla, and funnel cakes for me. Life at the fair is the best life there is.
Myla couldn't handle the smell of the animal barns and plugged her nose through all of them. She may be a little too "city girl" for the rest of us.
Trevin showed off his artwork and was excited about the superior rating.
During the chaos of the early summer, my parents took the kids to the Sutton fair one evening. It was so refreshing knowing that the kids were making good memories, even when things were hard at home. I'm so grateful for all the people, especially my parents, who helped make their summer special on the countless days I couldn't.
Summer Highlights
I'm going to fly through these highlights, because that's exactly how I experienced them.
I helped host a 1950's drive in movie progressive supper. I think I'm going to start wearing a red bandana in my hair permanently, and I only want to drink pop out of glass bottles now.
• Trevin passed level 3 in swim lessons. He made huge improvements this year and started jumping off the diving board on his own and being able to swim to the side. I couldn't believe how it just seemed to "click" this summer and I hope he doesn't forget everything he learned by next summer.
•Myla had her very first year of swim lessons! She rocked it. We pushed our lessons back to July this year, hoping it would be warmer, but we ended up with the coldest week of the month and they shivered through each lesson. Myla didn't complain once. She loved it. Our favorite life guard, Ellie, said she was the easiest 3-year-old all summer. Myla wasn't afraid to put her head under water and held her breath really well. It's so fun to see your kids thrive. Seriously, one of the greatest joys ever.
We also got to keep our favorite baby overnight for her first sleepover! We had SO much fun with her and the kids loved entertaining her. By now, Renley is pulling up and cruising around furniture. She's the happiest little thing and we love every minute with her.
Trevin got to be in two parades this summer for school. He for sure was chill about how cool he was.
We ate well at the crawfish boil hosted by my cousins. We stood around that table and ate with our bare hands and it was magical.
We also had a camping trip planned with friends, but the river flooded and I was at the peak of my hives and swelling, so we opted to have everyone camp in our yard for the weekend. It ended out working well - it gave the babies air conditioning to sleep in, a kitchen to make all the food, and a bathtub and bed for the party pooper (AKA me).
Overall, we had a lot of fun. Lots of laughs, a water fight, and good company. Maybe we'll do it again, hopefully when I resemble a human being and can think past my itching.
Speaking of water fights, the Huenefeld cousins enjoyed one on Father's Day. I think Trevin would have a water fight every day of his life if he could. He doesn't love a lot of things, but he does love a good water fight. I guess I'm going to start calling it one of his hobbies.
One of our favorite summer traditions is Hickman Hay Days, which turned into Giltner Hay Days, which I'm now calling Mayor's Weekend. Long story short, we all spend a weekend at my cousin's house, wherever he's living, the same weekend of every year. He was recently placed into mayorship, which is why this year it was Mayor's Weekend. Hanging out with the big dogs of Hamilton County. Too cool. So cool that they all crammed into that kiddie pool. It's probably the best food I eat all summer and the people are top notch.
And of course, the big finale to summer - The Stockham BBQ. We had an amazing crowd, great weather, and stellar music.
I like to take a whole day for school shopping and make it a fun day for everyone. This year we went to the Children's Museum after we got everything checked off of our list. Myla was a little overwhelmed by the crowd, but Trevin ran and ran and ran and never seemed to tire.
And then there's these three. We went out to celebrate Emily's birthday with Thai food and shopping. I wasn't looking for more friends when God brought them into my life, but I'm so thankful to have each of them. Just so you should know, anytime we all go out for supper, we put the men on one end and the women on the other. That's real friends, right? Farmers' wives unite.
But I can't forget to talk about the birthday of the most popular person in our house. James celebrated 29 years and I'm already asking him once a week what he wants to do for his 30th. (I've got big plans.) I've called dibs on him since he was 16 and I think he's starting to catch on that I'm obsessed with him.
Happy birthday, babe.
Our church hosted a game night for the young adults at The Makers. Two of my favorite things - our church and the bakery. It's been so fun having the bakery open and it's quickly become our townhouse. It's not uncommon for me to park there all day. And they *almost* never kick me out.
We stocked one of our farm ponds this spring and decided to try fishing it so see if anything survived. We didn't catch much, but I'm convinced that this is the prettiest spot on our farm.
I posted this last picture for two reasons:
1. James found me a place in Omaha that specialized in my two top cravings right now - pizza and fries. I still dream about that place.
2. You may notice James's face is completely shaved. He and a friend are in the midst of a beard competition. They shaved Labor Day weekend and will announce a winner Valentine's Day. So romantic. The beards will be measured in length and weight. James has his work cut out for him this time. It should be a good competition.
Helms Visit
James's family from IL squeezed in a trip to the farm before school started. We spent countless hours with cousins and it was entertaining, exhausting, and absolutely perfect.
James had some fun planned while they were here.
We always have a great time when we're with them, but it's never long enough.
Farming
It was the weirdest spring and summer with loads of rain and a totally different farming season than what we've experience. We finally got all the seed in the ground, later than usual, and were able to cultivate and flame fairly effectively considering the weather. Wheat harvest commensed in July and it went rather smoothly.
Fall harvest 2019 started last week. We got one day in before the rain. It might have been the smoothest first day of harvest ever. No equipment issues, enough help, and bountiful crops. We slept well that night. We were able to finish up beans yesterday and started on popcorn today. We're expecting more rain tonight and hoping maybe, just maybe, we could wrap up harvest next week if life is perfect and everything goes according to plan - which always happens, don't you know.
We're hoping to finish the farming year off strong. We may end up short-handed on help some days, so I may be jumping in where I can, but overall, we're just so grateful. There were a lot of days this spring/summer that made this farming season look incredibly discouraging and daunting. We faced many things we'd never dealt with before, but we've made it to this point. I think we'll all feel a lot better when every ounce of grain is in the bins, but honestly, we're incredibly thrilled to have another great crop year and we give God the praise for that.
Farm Show
James and I had the chance to make a quick trip to Illinois for a farm show. They asked him to come out and demo a flamer and set up a booth with details about Thermal Edge Ag. We pulled this implement on a trailer and and showed them how it works. It was hosted by an Amish community and that made the trip really cool.
We had numerous conversations with the local farmers as they "kicked the tires" on the machine. I made up answers for anyone who would talk to me, (making it clear to them that I had very little idea what I was talking about). Don't worry, basically no one talked to me. It was obvious that I wasn't brought along for my knowledge. But I listened to so many conversations about the flamer, that by the end of the day, I had James's answers memorized. (I actually made him quiz me on the way home to prove how much I knew.)
Usually, a lot of the people we talk to about flamers don't know much about them. They're usually really skeptical and think we're crazy. So, it was interesting talking with this group of farmers. Many of them already owned a flamer or had a friend or neighbor that used one. So we weren't selling them on the premise of a flamer, we were selling them on our specific piece of equipment. It was neat to hear them talk about their current situation and how James's machine could solve some of the problems they're running into.
It was incredibly sad to drive through Iowa and Illinois where there was an incredible amount of prevent plant ground. It was so humbling to listen to these farmers talk about the struggles they've faced and the vacant land that surrounded them. We came back, not only grateful for the opportunity and potential sales, but grateful for the crops that were healthy on our farm at home.
Trev:
• Oh this kid. It has been quite a summer with him. He's grown up in some big ways. He helped rogue and had many odds and ends jobs to keep him busy. But he probably spent the most time listening to audio books. I introduced him to Hank the Cowdog and he's obsessed. He couldn't get enough of it. I eventually had to make him start paying for his own because our Audible bill was getting out of hand.
•He also participated in a sports/agility camp this summer. He had so much fun; he was sad when it was all over. He was really proud of his cartwheels, and he was impressed that I could still do a bridge. I challenged him to a bridge race and I whooped him. I think I finally earned a little respect, because he doesn't think anything else I do is cool. But it really helps when I tell him how cool his mom is, though.
New School Year
Well, this kid entered the 2nd grade and I'm over here saying, "What just happened?"
He was so ready to go back to school. He missed his friends and was looking forward to a little more excitement than what I could offer him this summer.
He likes math, PE (big change from Kindergarten!), and technology. He tolerates the rest.
It has been an incredible start to the school year and he's having the best time.
Flag Football
We decided to jump all in this year and try out flag football. He was so mad at me when I signed him up, but I think it's been the highlight to his fall so far.
He learned a ton of new skills and made huge improvements. He really like playing defense.
I don't think I've ever had a crush on a blondie, but I think I do now.
He showed a lot of skill on offense, taking several runs for touchdowns. He got pretty good at juking and dodging the defense and it was adorable. And he'll be mad to know I said that.
He ended up being really glad that I "made him" play football. We were so impressed by his focus and understanding of the game in his first year. He's a quick learner and it showed. We were incredibly proud of him. It really was the best way to spend Saturday mornings.
Sibs. They've been equally amazing and terrible to each other this summer.
I only took pictures of the amazing moments.
Myla:
• She just turned 3 in May, but she'll tell you all the plans she's got for her birthday party next year.
• This girl adds so much spunk to our house. She's always dressing up, carrying a baby, or telling a story. She loves everything and is the most excited person I know.
• Trevin learned a continent song at school and Myla picked it up. Don't be impressed with me if she starts talking to you about Africa or Australia. I did nothing. Lately, she's been begging me to let Grandma take her to South America. I'm not sure what plan her and Grandma concocted, but she's bound and determined to make it happen.
•She loves telling/repeating jokes. She laughs harder than anyone at her own jokes and that's what makes the rest of us actually laugh. Trevin's favorite joke is, "What did batman get for Valentine's Day? Diarrhea." But when Myla repeats it, she says, "What did batman get for Valentine's Day? Ballerina" That's totally different, but actually made me die laughing the first time she said it. So now she continues to repeat it.
• She's loves getting her fingernails and toenails painted. Good thing it lasts a whole 2 hours before she's asking me to fix all of them that rubbed off.
• She's such a trooper and is really adaptable. Some mornings we go into the bakery for me to get some church work done on the computer. She packs a bag of her favorite things and works contently next to me for as long as I need. The cinnamon rolls might help a little...
• One day, Myla and I were talking about Christmas. I was explaining to her why we give each other presents at Christmas, (we've never done the Santa thing). She quickly butted in, "No, Mom. We don't give each other presents at Christmas." "Yes, we do." I argued. She refused to accept that, so I asked her, "Well, then who gives us presents?" She looked at me, and exclaimed, "Fairy Christmas gives us gifts!" For the life of me, I couldn't figure out where she could have gotten that from, and then it hit me. Every time we say "Merry Christmas" she thinks we're saying "Fairy Christmas". I was equally amused and embarrassed that my daughter believed this. Let's just say, we're going to start Advent season a little early this year to make sure it really sticks this time. But also, Fairy Christmas might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.
• We had some pretty awful days this summer, but only one of them included this little lady. She and Trevin were playing outside in our yard, like they do, all the time. I usually check on them pretty often, but Trevin is getting to the age where I can let them roam with a little longer leash. Anyway, they were chasing the kitten in the corner of our yard and this year there is corn planted in the field that takes up three sides of our yard. It was July, so the corn was still fairly short, maybe about to my chest, but taller than the kids. I had just been out to check on them and came back to the office to get a little work done. I had the window open so I could hear them playing and I was able to see them through the window. I couldn't have been inside for more than 2 minutes, when I heard Trevin start calling her name. I could tell there was a little urgency in his voice, so I went to the window and scanned the yard for her. He continued to call out to her, so I told him I'd be right there. I knew right away that she had gone into the corn. I wasn't panicked at first, I figured she was just hiding and trying to tease Trevin. I started to call for her, but saw no motion in the field and didn't hear her. I tried the only thing I could think of and yelled out that I had ice cream and that if she wanted it she had to come out and get it. Nothing. When that didn't work, my heart started to race. I went the completely opposite way and threatened serious consequences if she didn't come out right now. Nothing. I called James immediately. I knew the longer it took us to find her, the farther away she would likely be. Trevin and I went into the corn and called for her over and over and over and over. When James got there, I decided to run inside quick and make sure she hadn't gone in through the deck. Her boots weren't inside. I yelled for her. Nothing. In my head, I knew she was in the corn. That made the most sense, but there was a little part of me that feared something else had gone on. My mind was racing, "Are we SURE she's in the corn??"
I went back outside and I could see James looking and yelling in the area where Trevin had last seen her. I decided to go to the other end of the yard to split up. That's when I noticed I couldn't see Trevin anywhere. I certainly felt like mom-of-the-year, I had now lost both of my kids in the cornfield. I started to run through the corn, I was screaming by this point. My children were literally disappearing from right in front of me. I ran back to check with James if he'd seen Trevin. He hadn't, but was considering getting his drone out to fly into the field in hopes of being able to see something from above. I went back inside hoping at least one of them would be in there. Nothing. When I came back out, I saw all three of my people gathered together at the edge of the field. I sprinted to them and held them as tight as I could. Myla told us that she had chased the kitty into the cornfield and then she couldn't find her way back out. Thankfully she pretty much just picked a row and walked it, so she hadn't gotten too deep into the field, just moved to the other end. Trevin told me that he had gone in the corn and thought he could hear her crying, so he followed the sound and found her. She had gotten almost all the way to the neighbors house before he found her. He said he held her hand and sang to her the whole walk back to help her calm down. I broke down crying when he said that. She had been yelling and crying, but the corn masked her sound from us and ours from her. Thankfully, Trevin was short enough to be in corn and was able to finally hear her.
The adrenaline dropped completely out of my body and I felt like collapsing. The wound of loss was all too fresh from Auden, and this event seemed to take the life right out of me. She was missing for 15 minutes and it was a living nightmare. We called Trevin the hero for the rest of the month and Myla knows for certain not to go into the corn now.
I adore this tomato-loving, big-hearted, precious 3-year-old.
And to reward you for making it this far into the blog, here's the latest in our fam...
B-A-B-Y
A baby is brewing!
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around those positive pregnancy tests. After we lost Auden, we really weren't sure when we'd be ready to try again. And if we did try again, would we still struggle to get pregnant? And if we did get pregnant, would it be ectopic again? There was a very real chance we could lose another baby. There was a very real chance we could lose our fertility. Everything felt so scary and unknown, but we knew one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt. We wanted to grow our family. Our hearts have been longing for a baby for over a year now and the longing has only intensified. Our desire for a child was far greater than our fear of the unknown, and so, we opened that door again.
After my pregnancy with Auden ended, we really weren't sure how long it would take my body to cycle, or if it would actually cycle on its own. There were several weeks of wondering, when one morning I had intense pain on my right side. My mind instantly shot back to that night on my bathroom floor. This pain wasn't near as severe, but it was in a similar placement and came on fairly suddenly I feared that I had become pregnant and that it was ectopic. I feared the worst had happened. I thought maybe we had caught it early enough that there wouldn't be too much damage to my one remaining tube. As soon as the clinic opened, I called my doctor and explained what was going on. The nurse asked me rather gingerly, "Did you take an ovulation test to see if that's what's happening?" My body instantly relaxed and I felt embarrassed. I had totally overreacted to the situation, but the memories were still so vivid in my mind from everything that went wrong last time, that's all I could think about. I took an ovulation test and sure enough, I was just experiencing some pretty intense ovulation pain.
This was a huge relief, but it was also incredibly exciting. My body had ovulated on its own for the first time in well over a year. My ectopic pregnancy had been the kickstart my body needed to start functioning on its own. We were thrilled.
A week later we spent the weekend with some family and I remember eating and eating and eating. I filled up my plate several times before I even noticed that I was not able to get full. I couldn't help but have the biggest smile. That was the first symptom that made me realize I was pregnant with Auden, and here it was, happening again. I tried not to get my hopes up, but deep down I really felt like I knew.
Flash forward to about a week and I woke up in the night with cramps. I was devastated. Everything had lined up and made sense for me to be pregnant. Not only that, but I was warned that my first period after an ectopic pregnancy would be rough. For more reasons than one. I had been dreading it. I refused to get out of my bed until the morning; I didn't want to wake up and acknowledge what I already thought to be true. But when I woke up, I realized my period hadn't come. Was it still coming or was I cramping for another reason? I took a pregnancy test and stood in shock when it showed positive. I was pregnant.
I told James right away and I went in for labs that same day. They called back saying my labs looked excellent and to come back in a couple more days to make sure my levels were rising. A couple days later, I had another set of great labs and they scheduled an early ultrasound for 6 weeks since I was now considered high risk.
I knew this pregnancy would be different, but I still struggled to hope for the best. I felt more like I was preparing myself for the worst. The weeks leading up to that first ultrasound felt a little strange. I was trying to soak up every moment of the pregnancy, not knowing if everything would come crashing down again at 6 weeks.
As we waited in the ultrasound room, I remember feeling so nervous. As the image came onto the screen, I saw something I recognized. I saw a womb. I saw a baby. There weren't the foreign shapes and contrasts that we had witnessed in June. This is what it was supposed to look like. I felt a huge sense of relief sweep over me. My baby is ok; my tube is ok; we are all ok.
After the doctor left the room, I began to weep. Myla asked James why I was crying and he told her they were happy tears, which was true, but they were also painful tears, tears that held more than happiness. These tears represented every tear I'd cried since May. These tears held the wound of losing a child. And these tears expressed the bittersweetness of gaining another.
We feel incredibly grateful for this new life. And sometimes it's still hard to believe it's true. I'm still trying to figure this all out. Pregnancy after loss is something I've never known and I feel like I've lost my innocence. The giddiness seems to have left me, but my heart is stilled. I feel a great sense of rest in my soul, rest from the trauma, rest from the pain, rest from anxiety. Somedays I wish I could go back to the giddy pregnancies that I had once experienced, but my quieted heart won't allow it.
The morning sickness started shortly after my positive pregnancy test. I had never experienced that with any of my other pregnancies, so it felt odd. It didn't feel like pregnancy to me, because I've never known pregnancy to feel that way. But I knew my body was functioning properly, I knew my baby was healthy, so I knew I was going to dry heave for as long as I had to.
I never actually threw anything up (not past my mouth at least). It didn't matter what time of day, I could lose it at any time. Afternoons actually seemed to be the hardest. I tried eating, not eating, laying down, getting up, lots of water, hard candy, juice, no juice, meat, no meat.. it really didn't matter. One day James asked me to grab the kitchen trash. I held my breath before I grabbed the bag, knowing that it would probably smell and send me into a gagging fit. I didn't even smell it, because I held my breath, but just the thought of it potentially smelling made me start gagging and dry heaving. James tried not to laugh at me, but even I was laughing at me.
One morning when I was getting ready for the day, James walked into my bathroom and said, "You look beautiful!" Without missing a beat I shot over to the toilet and started dry heaving. I promised him his words didn't disgust me, but I'm sure I looked a little less sexy hunched over the toilet. So now anytime he gives me a compliment I start pretending to gag. We're so romantic.
For a solid month, all I wanted to eat was pizza. Granted, I didn't get it that much and it usually make me sick like everything else, but that's the only thing that ever sounded good to me. The week after I found out I was pregnant, we made kimchi and it stunk up my house for a week. That's about when the morning sickness started, and ever since then I can't hardly look at the stuff without gagging. I have banned James from eating it when I'm home. Sometimes he tries to sneak it and every time I've caught him, I mean my gag reflex has caught him. One night he came home late from work and ate his supper while I was in the shower. He came into the bathroom and instantly I started feeling nauseous. I asked him what that smell was, and he claimed to know nothing. I continued to gag and got out of the shower. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him, "You ate kimchi didn't you?" He smirked and looked dumbfounded and asked, "How did you know?" I could literally smell it on his breath the second he walked into the room. No more secrets, James. No more secrets.
Trevin and Myla have asked so many hard questions. Questions that I want to ignore, but questions that their little hearts need to find comfort in. They've both asked many times if this baby is going to die. Sometimes Trevin starts a sentence, "If this baby lives, we should..." and then proceeds to tell us what we could name it or what we'll do with the new baby. I hate that this is their reality, but it's all of our reality. Babies die sometimes. It doesn't always make sense and we're not always able to understand, but it happens. I've had several conversations with Trevin about the difference between this pregnancy and Auden's. I've talked to him about my tubes and how Auden got stuck and that's why the pregnancy failed. But I've assured him that this baby is in exactly the right spot and we know that it's healthy right now. With each week of the pregnancy, I can sense them (and me) cling on a little tighter to this new baby. One night, I was home alone with the kids, and we sat for 45 minutes on the couch together as I listened to all of their baby name suggestions. Trevin insists on Lewis or Clark for a boy and Sheila for a girl. Idk. Myla usually throws in some pretty solid votes for Mayor Humdinger (Paw Patrol), or a bunch of random sounds she puts together and calls a name.
The word is starting to get out... We're not finding out the gender. James has never wanted to find out and I insisted that we do with both Trevin and Myla. Trevin was enough of a surprise, I needed to know what to prepare for, and of course I needed to know if I had to go buy a bunch of baby girl clothes if #2 wasn't a boy! But I promised James, years ago, that once we had a boy and a girl, the next one could be a surprise. I now regret my promise, but I'm sticking to it. We will find out in about 27 weeks with the rest of you. I've never been one for guessing what we're having, or "knowing" from the start. With Trevin I had zero clue, no idea, could have gone either way. I felt the same way for Myla, except early on in the pregnancy I had a vivid dream of the birth and it was a beautiful baby girl, which ended up to be true. However, I didn't know if it was just my subconscious wanting a girl, or if I really knew I was having a girl.. But then, a couple weeks ago, I had a very similar vivid dream... I was in labor and out came a baby girl. I'm not saying that the dream is prophesying in any way, but it did make me wonder.
I've been searching for names and have a boy name that I like, but James isn't sold on it yet. Boy names are hard for me, so I'm holding on to this one for now. I think we've decided on a girl name. The girl names I had on my list were ok, but none of them seemed quite right. Then I found one that I loved and asked James what he thought. Without an ounce of hesitation he responded, "Yup. I like it." That's how we've picked out every single one of our children's names so far. We've both known from the moment we heard it, which is why I don't think my boy name will pass the test. James made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone the names we pick out. Not even the kids. And it will make me go insane, but my lips are sealed and I'm hoping a boy name comes into play real soon. I'm not one that likes to leave that for late in the game. I want it settled early so we can get used to it and make sure it passes the test for several months before we give it to our child.
We get to go back to the doctor's office next week to check on this little nugget. At the last ultrasound, baby was flipping and flopping and squirming all over. The heart rate was over 170bpm. My doctor actually laughed as she did the ultrasound because it flipped on her several times when she was trying to measure. It was so fun to see that body moving constantly on the screen. Call me crazy, but I think I've started to feel some of that movement. This is earlier than I felt it with my others, but after seeing that baby as active as it was, I really think it's possible.
I'm quickly approaching week 14 and I'm feeling really good. This sweet baby has changed our lives and we're hoping April comes so fast. We can not wait to snuggle this one on the outside.
You are so longed for, little babe.
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