We enjoyed Stockham Church's annual Mother/Daughter Banquet a couple weeks ago!
If Trevin tells you he's going to give you a loogie, please know that he means to say wedgie. Not that it's much better, but I need to set the record straight. In my opinion, the thought of him spitting a loogie on someone is more disturbing than him giving them a wedgie. (This is probably something that moms of girls aren't going to understand. Life with a boy is so weird.)
Since turning four, the questions have not stopped. SO MANY QUESTIONS. It was like a switch flipped. Why? When? How? What? Why? Why? Why? WHY? His curiosity is endearing, and also exhausting. He's humbled me because it turns out there's a lot of things that I don't know. I play the "God card" often. "That's just how God made it." "You'll have to ask God someday." I'm not sure if this is a cop-out, but God's the only one that has the knowledge (and patience) to answer ALL of the questions in a 4-year-old's mind. To be fair, I probably have as many questions for Trevin that he has for me. "Why do you have underwear on your head?" "What are you doing?" "Where'd you hide my phone?" "What's all over your face?" "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" "How did you get (in, up, around, behind, under) there?" "What did you think was going to happen?" "Why do you keep putting boogers in the screw hole on your bed frame?!"
In case you haven't noticed, I'm still pregnant. My Mother's Day due date came and went just like any other day. At my 37 week appointment I dilated to 2.5 cm, 3 cm at 38 weeks, 3.5 at 39, and 4 at 40. At this speed I'll be fully dilated to 10 cm at 52 weeks. So only a short 12 to go.. (That's not real life, guys.) She stripped my membranes at 39 weeks in hopes that it would jump-start labor. I hardly got crampy and didn't even have an episode of contractions after it. My SPD has resurfaced in the past week or two with the added pressure on my pelvis from her moving down into position, but it's not near as painful as it had been. My doctor told me several weeks ago that she'd be shocked if I made it to 41 weeks, and I was even more convinced that'd I'd go early. Since Trevin was a week early, I mentally made my new due date 39 weeks; that was a dangerous move. I've had my calendar cleared for almost a month, but that's lead to many days, and even weeks, at home, with no agenda. I went stir-crazy for awhile, but have done a better job at adding things to my schedule to give me something to help pass the time. I've gone through all the stages of emotions that accompany a late baby: anticipation, excitement, nesting, anxiousness, preparation, questioning, second-round nesting, anxiety, impatience, denial, depression, anger, fear, doubt, acceptance and finally peace. I feel a little bit numb to the process right now. It's been such a rollercoaster of emotions; I'm simply too exhausted to worry and get overwhelmed at this point. Truth is, she's got to come out sometime and my odds are going up with every day that passes.
I've been having contractions for weeks. Often for hours at a time and some contractions that have strengthened past the point discomfort into legitimate pain. I've had so many episodes of false labor that a string of contractions doesn't even get me excited anymore. I've timed them a few times, only after they'd been going on for several hours and are fairly intense, but they all fade out and decide not to stick around. Let's hope I'm not in denial when it's the real deal.
I know that each of you have a full-proof way to help induce labor. Don't worry, I've tried it. I'm convinced that women do so many things to try and induce labor, then they swear by the last thing they tried before contractions started. The constant severe weather hasn't even helped! Either way, this baby is in no hurry. My doctor suggested we set up an induction for next Monday, May 16th (41 weeks, 1 day). She seemed optimistic that I wouldn't need it, but now there's an end in sight. If I make it to Monday, she'll break my water first, in hopes that it will bring labor on by itself. If that doesn't work, pitocin it will be! Regardless of how it happens, we'll be meeting our baby very soon!
Many of you know the events that have transpired in the past months with our family. Tomorrow is a big day and it's driven us to our knees. I wish I could tell you all the ways God has worked behind the scenes, right in front of us, and in the deepest parts of our hearts. I've purposefully kept quiet due to the sensitive nature and the constantly unfolding storyline. It's not my story to share, but God has used it huge in our lives. I've questioned God in so many ways through this, but He's proven Himself faithful over and over and over again. I felt angry that God would make us go through everything this week. I didn't understand why He'd delay my labor, just so we'd have to face tomorrow's hearing and a new baby all within a few days. But He's consistently shown me His faithfulness, why would I doubt Him now? There's so much comfort to be found in His arms. Thank you for the continued prayers, support, and encouragement; please know God is using you big in our lives. This has played a large role in the many emotions I've experienced with the impending baby arrival. I've found that the Psalms have come alive in a whole new way through this season.
Psalm 27:11-14
Teach me Your way, O Lord, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 40:1-5, 11-12, 16-17
I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord. Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, and does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done; and Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order; if would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord; let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. For innumerable evils have surrounded me; my iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of my head; therefore my heart fails me.
Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let such as love Your salvation say continually, "The Lord be magnified!" But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God.
Each day I wake up a little more exhausted and a little more uncomfortable. I'm grateful for the extra time James has been spending with Trevin to help me out. It's been so fun to see their relationship form and watching Trevin's hobbies mimic James'. I'm giddy thinking about James having a little girl to love on. Be still, my soul.
In all the craziness of life right now, I've had such a tug in my heart for this little boy. These are the last days of our family of three. A new family is about to be born. I'll look back on these days with a smile and a small tear in my eye. I know God has amazing things planned for us and I can't wait for Trevin to meet his little sister. I have so many tender memories of becoming a mom and all the "first" experiences that we've had because of him. He's been such a treasure to us.
Waiting on the Lord, growing on the farm...
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