I'm not really sure how to do this. Should I just say it? Or do I need to tell a long story? Maybe just show you a picture? Sing you a song? Ok, I'll just say it... I'M PREGNANT!
This has been an unexpected journey. Just a couple months ago, I was adamant I was not ready for another baby. I was starting to come around to the idea as the summer went on. But you all know how much Travel Camp changed me. I came home with a complete peace about what was next for us. God reaffirmed that peace when I became pregnant just a few weeks later.
My first inclination that I was pregnant came the day I took a pregnancy test. I had hopped in the shower and turned on Pandora. Gary Allan's Tough Little Boys Grow up to be Dads song came on and I instantly started bawling. After the emotional wave passed, I thought to myself, "That was weird. I'm not normally like this. Am I?" And then I just knew. One of my biggest pregnancy symptoms with Trevin was emotional break downs. It seemed all too familiar. The test was taken and once again the tears swept over me, but these were some of the happiest tears I've ever cried.
I took the test by myself on a Thursday night (unlike last time when James and I did it together). And I decided to keep it from James, because I was due to leave for Women of Faith the next day and be gone all weekend. It just didn't feel right to tell him and leave. So I kept my big secret all to myself for a whole weekend. I about burst. You might recall I forgot the tickets and my underwear that weekend... Does it make more sense now? I was a little preoccupied and brain cells had already died. It wasn't all my fault.
I returned home Saturday night and sat James down and said, "I need to talk to you. Something very expensive happened." He looked at me, trying to read my eyes. I pulled out the positive test. He grinned and said, "Are you serious?" We were equally excited and later he said, "I thought you wrecked the car, or bought something you shouldn't have." Nope babe, it'll cost more than that...
We told Trevin right away (this would bite us later). He seemed to somewhat grasp what was going on, but then he showed his 3-year-old logic and said, "The baby's in your tummy like Uzziah's in my tummy!" Almost bud, almost. We then told some close friends within the next couple days. Obviously, Ashton was one of the first. That would have been the hardest to keep, considering the fact that she lives with us and all. We planned to tell the rest of our immediate family all in one weekend. We'd been coaching Trevin to say, "I'm going to be a big brother!" So that he could take the stage when the time came. The Wednesday night before we had planned to tell my parents, Trevin and I had stopped by to see them after church. Trevin got to chatting and started talking about the picture of the baby (him) on the wall. I knew it right then; our secret was in jeopardy. His eyes lit up and just like we'd rehearsed, he proudly announced, "Mom has a baby in her tummy. I'm going to be a big brother!" My jaw dropped. My parents squealed. I realized there was no brushing over that. They thanked him for sharing the news. If I only learn one thing this pregnancy, it's that a 3-year-old is not the greatest confidant. Go figure. Both of our families' are very excited for us, and we enjoyed bringing them all a little joy.
I'm 8 weeks and our official due date is May 8. Some of you will probably be shocked that we are telling so early. I've realized that there's this strange energy that goes along with announcing before the second trimester. I gather that the fear is miscarrying. That's a legitimate fear that I can absolutely respect. Most people don't want to have to share their loss, rehash the pain by telling everyone they've lost the baby, or include others before they're "in the clear". I respect that. But I'm not like everyone else. If I would have lost the baby at 4 weeks, or if I would lose it at 16 weeks, I would tell, I would want people to know. I would write it. Believe it or not, writing is one of the best ways for me to be free of things. I hope that I'm being respectful of those who have been there. I can't fathom the pain and loss that goes with it, but I know that I would self-destruct if no one knew. (Not saying that anyone else would.) My heart has been so broken this year for several dear friends losing babies before they got to hold them. I've seen first-hand the absolute devastation that comes with it. But I've also seen the healing and the peace that follows. This year I've challenged myself to live with transparency. I want people to see my life. I don't want to hide behind a profile picture. I want to be a real person, flaws and all. Y'all are my support system. I want you in this, good or bad.
Once we told family, we were ready for it to be out. Heck, even our butcher knows. So spread the word, keep us in your prayers, and love on those mamas that have lost babes.
It's true what they say. Second baby shows earlier than the first. My stomach, which held so tightly for the first several months of my last pregnancy, has already thrown in the towel. Since almost day 1 it's said, "Alright ladies, we know what to do. Let loose!" And at 8 weeks I'm equivalent to what I was at 14 weeks on the first go-around. What?! I've already retired a pair of jeans. At 8 weeks. I'm promising myself that I won't gain the (cough) 50 (cough) pounds like last time. But this quick growth has me sweating. Literally. Hot flashes. Isn't pregnancy glamorous? When I was 5 weeks, James told me that I had "the glow". Unfortunately for me, I got the glow at 5 weeks, not at 35. By then I'll be the hippo that looks as miserable as she feels.
No morning sickness here so far (didn't have it with Trevin either). Not trying to rub it in... I've been extremely tired, but I'll take that over the sickness any day. My gag reflex is getting a lot of action these days, though. That's a great time. And you know, if I gag once, I might as well gag 11 times.
We had our appointment last week and everything looks great! I questioned my doc about my cervix (it tore with Trevin, and there was concern that the scar tissue would prohibit me from delivering naturally again) but she seemed confident that it wouldn't be an issue. She did tell me, however, that I'm likely to have more tail bone issues. (He popped my coccyx out of place and fractured my tail bone. I try not to remember that.. Ouch.)
Somehow 4 days after we found out I was pregnant, we had our names picked out. So that's one thing to check off the list! We have a long time to change our minds, but we're in agreement and happy, so we'll see. With Trevin, I never had a feeling whether boy or girl. I really don't with this one either, but I had the most vivid dream the other day (yeah, day, it was a nap) of a precious baby girl, we even named her. I can still see her in my head. It was so strange, but that's the only feeling I've had so far.
We're incredibly grateful and look forward to adding to our family. We figure the second one's got to be easier, right? (This is when you all laugh.) Thanks for all of your love!
This is our happy dance for baby!